By Oreva Godwin
WELCOME TO Africa, where every childless couple creates the regular African impression that the woman is the sole reason for the problem. She is labeled a man by her in-laws and by the public. No one ever cares to direct the blame for childlessness at the husband. It’s always the woman.
A typical African mother in-law will say: “your husband’s dad was a sharpshooter, so my son is a sharpshooter too. Like father, like son, so leave my son. Let him go meet a real woman and not a fellow man like you”.
It’s a sad world for women. But they should stay strong. Today, I’m going to share stories that would debunk that poor mindset, a core African mentality that portrays women as the cause for a childless marriage. But let’s look at medical statistics to see who is really to blame.
Research has shown that 70% of men with suspected infertility have low sperm count. Research also reveals that the rate of impotency in men, is very high. Men between the ages of 40-70 suffer from it. But how many men in Africa, can boldly admit to their partner, family and society that they are suffering from low sperm count or impotency? Women are so quick to admit it, but men? Never! It dies between them and their doctor.
A friend of mine who worked at a laboratory in Nigeria, shared her experience as a lab assistant. In her words: “Babe, the rate at which men have low sperm count and zero sperm count, is alarming and very concerning”.
How many know of a term called Azoospermia (zero sperm count)? This refers to a condition where there’s no sperm in ejaculation (semen). Blockages, structural issues and hormonal problems are some of the causes of this phenomenon. It’s the main cause for infertility in men. This condition is treatable, depending on the degree. Early check up is important.
Another friend of mine, who works as a lab technician also shared an incident at the clinic to me. He said a pastor came for a sperm analysis and when the result came out, it was confirmed that his sperm cells were completely dead and there was no hope. He went futher to advise the pastor, to tell his wife and the man said no.
Then the lab tech asked: “should I call madam and tell her?” He said no and made the lab tech to swear to an oath of secrecy. Poor pastor’s wife was busy praying to God to bless them with a child, how could the prayer work? When there’s a dark secret?
Another incident that occurred was that of a couple who had been trying to conceive. Unknown to the wife, the man was suffering from azoospermia and was on medication. Four years into marriage, no child and she blamed herself for the predicament. She blamed it all on her dark past.
Apparently, while in the university, she had an abortion and felt it was that past hunting her future. She later confessed the ugly past to her husband and he used it against her, knowing fully well that it’s not her past that was hunting her. He knew it was his medical condition hunting her.
One fateful day, however, the woman felt sick and her husband took her to the hospital for a checkup. As God would have it, she was confirmed pregnant. Now, bro was in a dilemma. Did the treatment work?
Or she cheated? He wasn’t excited as the lady expected. He foolishly got home and made a call that changed everything. Unknown to him, his wife went to the back of the house to pick her clothes and overheard her husband on the phone with his doctor.
Telling the doctor what happened and his fear of not being sure he was the father. He talked of plans to run a fresh sperm analysis to confirm if the treatment worked. When he turned, behold he saw his wife in deep shock.
The woman couldn’t forgive him because he made her blame herself for their childlessness. She instantly tagged him as the devil and filed for divorce. Today she is happily a single mother, though the man still provides child support. They are co-parenting just fine.
A family friend of mine dated a man for more than five years. No hint of pregnancy. Even when she deliberately experimented with unprotected sex during her unsafe period, the story was still the same. She never saw it as a red flag. They later got married and struggled to conceive for two years.
She went for fertility test and it turned out she was fertile. She told her husband to go for sperm analysis, that her doctor insisted he came for it. He bluntly refused and described the demand as an insult. As a benevolent person that she was, she pampered the man and later calm him down.
One-day the man brought another woman to the house, claiming she was pregnant for him, as proof that he was fertile. Our friend got to her limit, and walked out of the marriage.
A year later, it was revealed that the lady who got pregnant for the man, was nothing but a scam. She pinned another man’s child on him. Its seven years now, the man is still childless, which shows he was the problem.
Blood type incompatibility is another reason for childlessness. In most cases, this means an issue relating to Rh factor, where one partner is Rh-negative and the other Rh-positive, which can lead to complications during pregnancy if not managed well.
The scary part is when a Rh-negative mother gets pregnant with a Rh-positive baby, which can lead the immune system to attack the foetus in subsequent pregnancies, which can lead to a miscarriage.
Most people will accuse the woman of having lots of abortions in the past and that her womb is weak as a result of serval abortions. Unknown to them, it’s blood type incompatibility that is the problem. We need education on a lot of things.
Sometimes, there are unexplainable reasons why a fertile couple can’t conceive. A woman, married for 15 years, had no children. The couple was certified fertile, but had no kids. Her family advised her to leave the marriage, but she brushed off the idea.
She would later get to know that her husband got a lady pregnant. She was completely shattered and packed out of the marriage.
In the quest to pick up the pieces of her life at age 50, she met a young man who had an interest in her. But she rebuked him, because he was only 33 years old. One day he came to her place unannounced, seduced and slept with her.
Just a bout of casual sex brought about a bundle of joy. She conceived at age 50 and had a baby boy. Imagine if she had tolerated her husband’s betrayal and stayed in that marriage. She may have died childless.
Imagine if this woman had left the marriage on time. She would have been a mother at an early age. Sometimes, some drastic decisions need to be taken to get what you want and deserve.
I know of a young man, who had been medically declared okay. But he had the mindset of not having children. He believed he couldn’t be a good father, because of his upbringing and traumatic experience in the hands of his parents. Good thing the man was sincere to himself, unlike some men with reputation as horrible fathers. They love to have children, but are incapable of taking care of them.
This young man opened up to his lover, who happened to be my friend, his decision against having a child few weeks to their fixed date for an introduction. My friend was devastated, because he was the love of her life and she loves children. She had to call off the relationship.
I know of desperate girls who went ahead to marry with such information, thinking that they could make the man change his mind. Why can’t this kind of man hook up with barren women and save the fertile ones the stress of making the decision of not having children? Like they say: “this life no balance at all”.
Having a child is a choice. Not compulsory. But be sincere to your partner and not deceive your partner. I know women who take birth control pills in order to prevent themselves from conceiving, unknown to their husbands. It’s a sad and selfish world we live in.
We should wake up. Kill that mindset that every childless couple we see, is caused by the woman. Have we come up with the realisation that some couples have agreed not to have children at all? Or have agreed to focus on their career for some years and build themselves before starting a family?Who taught us that immediately you get married, it’s to start making babies? Let couples make their choices and stop pointing fingers.
As for the men, it’s not a shame to admit to your wife or partner and immediate family that you have fertility issues, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You need that love and support and advice. You are still a man. Having children does not make you a man. Kill that mentality from your system. You’re a man, because you provide for the family. You’re a support system, a defender and an epitome of authority.
It’s about time the men told themselves that they are kings in their castle (home). Don’t forget who you are, because of medical issues. Please carry your wife along.
A real wife will not tell the world the truth. She will cover you and your family will cover you too. Save your wife from being harassed by your family. She deserves that peace and love.
