By Bola BOLAWOLE
“And who do you think President Bola Ahmed Tinubu will appoint as the next INEC chairman? Strange enough, his South-west is the only section of the country yet to occupy the post.“
“Point of correction! The president does not appoint INEC chairmen; he only recommends to the National Assembly for ratification”
”It is the same thing! Whether he recommends or appoints, has there been any time his recommendation was turned down by the National Assembly?“
“Whose fault if the National Assembly chooses to be a rubber stamp? If you are crowned the king of hawks but cannot snatch chicks, whose fault?”
“It is easier said than done! Ever heard of the word ‘lobbying’?”
“What does that mean?”
“Soon, it will be harvest time when lobbying begins, if it has not started already”
”I say lobbying for what? “
“I say lobbying for the confirmation of the new INEC chairman…”
“Has he been named? “
”He has been rumoured”
“Oh! Mere rumours are what you are exalting that much? “
“There is no smoke without a fire. Some insiders not happy with the choice must have leaked the information…”
“And enemies wasted no time in alerting social media? By the way, where is the rumoured candidate from?”
”Social media is powerful! Witness what tampering with social media has caused in Nepal! I used to think our youths were the only ones pressing phones. Did you watch the scenes of how the Nepal youths rubbished their leaders?“
”It was an eye-opener. The Gen Z phenomenon is worldwide. But can a similar thing happen…”
”Ssshh!”
”Sorry! I should not get you into trouble?“
”You better not get yourself into trouble! Because I will disown you sharp-sharp!”
“I trust you won’t! After all, what are friends for?”
“Ending up like Nnamdi Kanu or Simon Ekpa is not one of them! Didn’t you see how Ekpa cried like a baby when he was sentenced to six years imprisonment in Finland for acts of terrorism?“
“But our discussion here is not about terrorism but the public interest…”
”And who defines public interest – you or them? Who will the court listen to – you or them? Do you have the millions that lawyers demand to defend clients in court?
“When I never chop bellefull! I understand that these days the fat cats among them even demand to be paid in dollars!”
“Oh-ooo!”
“Back to our discussion: Where exactly is the next INEC chairman coming from?”
“It depends…”
“On what?”
“Of course, on what the president wants to achieve in 2027!”
“And what can that be?”
“If morning shows the day, the president is anxious to bag a second term in office.”
“I see! In street slang, that is what is called ‘Leekan sii!’ One more time! One good turn…”
“Even if it is a bad turn!”
“But must it be by fire or by force? “
“You must have forgotten Niccolo Machiavelli so soon! The end justifies the means!”
“However ‘mean’ the means? Who, then, do you think the president will be comfortable with?“
“Whoever serves his best interest! It can be Humpty-dumpty Nwosu, Maurice Iwuru-wuru, Attahiru Jaga-Jaga or Yakubu Mumu…”
“You are too much! By the way, what is the president’s best interest in this matter?“
“Second term; no more, no less!”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Didn’t you hear him say – grab it, snatch it, and run with it?”
“Emilokan himself! In other words, you are saying there is no vacancy in the Presidential villa until Emilokan has satisfied himself?“
“Exactly! Until 2031, God willing!”
“But what if the opposition resorts to the same method Emilokan and his opposition APC alliance employed to boot Jonathan out of office?”
“That was Jonathan! No one should ever name his son Jonathan!“
“What do you mean? A man of peace…”
”He should have ended up in a monastery!”
“A gentleman par excellence…”
“A seminary will suit him better!”
“He saved the country from another civil war by conceding defeat to Buhari…”
“And handed over the country to terrorists …”
“He said the blood of a single Nigerian was not worth his election…”
“But the blood of thousands of Nigerians so far killed by terrorists is worth his timidity and surrender…”
“Your sense of judgment surprises me! The Biafran civil war lasted a whole two-and-half years…!”
“Terrorism has ravaged Nigeria since Jonathan dropped the baton in 2015! That is 10 full years and we are still counting!”
“Are you aware of the colossal sums spent prosecuting the Biafran civil war?”
“Much more has been wasted fighting the terrorists and we are still counting!”
“So you do not think Emilokan should take a cue from Jonathan?“
“Never! A man holding the yam and the knife dropped both and took to his heels, his tail between his legs. He didn’t look back until he landed in Otuoke, a place he did very little to lift up, unlike what Buhari did to Daura and the entire Katsina state!”
“I am surprised at your characterization of this man…”
“He takes after his namesake…”
“And who is that?“
“Biblical Jonathan, of course!”
“What do you mean?“
“Biblical Jonathan was heir apparent to the throne. His father, King Saul, was the first king of Israel. Jonathan was in line to succeed his father, but he chose to allow sentiments take the better part of him, relinquishing the throne to a mere friend, David, who became king in his place…”
“Jonathan even lost his life to the bargain…”
“Oh-ooo! The kingship moved from the house of Saul to the house of David forever! No one should ever name his son Jonathan! Fickle-mindedness should never be second nature. So, if I may ask, what is the man coming back to look for? To once again do us in, as they say?”
“Thank God the man is still alive. Even if he is crawling, by now a dead and buried Buhari would have got to heaven…”
“Hell, I beg your pardon, hell! The same hell he consigned us to here! The odoriferous nuisance of the man who allowed it daily assails our sensibilities…”
“You are judging Jonathan harshly…”
“Can we mention Buhari without mentioning Jonathan or can we mention APC without mentioning PDP? Jonathan and PDP handed Buhari and his terrorists the presidency on a platter. Our people have a saying…”
“You are always using proverbs…”
“Yes, because we also always quote foreign authors. Wisdom does not reside only with the Caucasians”
“That is true. So what did our people say this time around?“
“They say when we complain that a child is foolish and someone counters that provided the child does not die; we must ask him what kills a child faster than foolishness!”
“Stupidity, even!”
“Oh-ooo!”
“So, with the rumoured choice of the next INEC chairman…”
“It will be a travesty if he does not come from the South-west or the Yoruba section of the rumoured North-central…”
“Leave that alone for now! How do you think the 2027 election will go; especially with the rumoured entry of Jonathan into the race?“
“You cannot continue to do the same thing the same way and expect a different result”
“I see! The next election will not be free and fair is what you are saying…”
”It will be free to the extent that previous elections were free.”
“Come again!”
“It will be fair to the extent that the people are fair to themselves!”
“I still don’t get the point!“
“It will be credible to the extent that our cultural milieu allows for credibility!”
“I give up!”
“Don’t give up! If you want free and fair elections under prevailing circumstances, you need to try the solution propounded by Eugen Bertolt Friedrich Brecht…”
”And who is this Eunice or what did you call her name…”
“Not Eunice, but Eugen; not a woman, but a man; and not a Nigerian, but a German theatre practitioner, playwright, and poet who became disillusioned with the government of his day”
“I see! What did he say?“
“In a poem titled ‘The Solution’, he argues: ‘After the uprising of the 17th June/The Secretary of the Writers Union had leaflets distributed in the Stalinalee/Stating that the people had forfeited the confidence of the government/And could win it back only by redoubled efforts/Would it not be easier in that case/For the government to dissolve the people/And elect another?”
“And you call that a solution? Is it possible to dissolve the people? Do governments elect people or people elect governments?”
“That is what is called an inverted pyramid! When oro-p’esi-je, you invert the pyramid”
“That must have been why Fela sang: Oro p’esi je o/Oro di huun! Something that passeth human understanding”
”Exactly! The government dissolving the people and electing another or the government appointing a competent and honest INEC chairman capable of conducting free and fair election, which do you think is easier to achieve?
“Appointing a competent and honest INEC chairman, of course!”
“You are wrong! The answer is not as simple as you think! You may have to first solve the mathematical wonder of 2520 before solving that riddle”
“And what is the mathematical wonder of 2520?”
“Let that be a topic for another day!
